Of Women and Darkness

One of my first stories and the second one I posted on spoiledink.com, 'Of Women and Darkeness' taught me one of the fundamental things about writing - choose your audience as carefully as you choose your words. This story got me lots of brickbats from readers particularly from the fairer sex. And I hastily removed the story from the site. But one of those people who really matter to me and my writing appreciated the story and offered me invaluable advice.

I had written the story intending it to be humorous and satirical about the relationship between men and women. But maybe my narration style was wrong for which people started taking it seriously. Anyway, here it is.

Of Women and Darkness

Women have better reading habits than men, so I have no fear of invoking their godforsaken wrath when I write in this story that all women are very timid in heart. They are brave, sometimes exemplarily brave, in most circumstances their only weapon being their tongue. The showers of missiles that bombard the hapless ones have made the wide-chested of men to run for cover with all his fingers in his ears. While men run home to get their pistols, women bring to excellent use a lethal blend of foul language (why foul if it saves your life? ) and any throw-able object ( especially utensils ). And I can bring to you a hundred men , with their faces covered (men are so conscious of their self-respect, you know ) who will testify that such deadly warfare does exist . One daily newspaper reported that according to the researchers of Philadelphia University, women have become 20% more bolder than men. It reported that studies conducted on about a thousand cases of deaths caused in encounters with women reveal that almost 80% of the deaths are due to excessive loss of dignity and high degree of shame. Following this report, exclusively for-men security agencies mushroomed all over the country, most of them run by women ( evil begets evil, they say ). Men meowed in protest against the growing atrocities of the womenfolk on them. Husbands secretly studied "Nirlep Fry-pans Violent User's Manual" while their wives slept. Seminars, brainstorming sessions, debates, prayer meetings followed but not a single lifesaving solution emerged. How not to be ashamed? How to kill shame? (Who could dare to think of controlling women? )

At last the solution came from the dense jungles of Africa. A team of entomologists (they study bugs ) had published a research paper about their discovery of a fascinating species of insects. Now, these insects had a peculiar behavior. They remained holed up in tree trunks as long as daylight prevailed and the ones who ventured out were often eaten up by other insects. But when night falls, they storm out of their holes and attack every insect big or small with alarming ferocity ( one of the entomologists has a photograph of the insects munching at his index finger to prove this ). The strange thing is that these insects have perfect vision during daytime but they offer no resistance to their attackers while at night, they have only partial vision still they attack with vengeance. The entomologists could offer no rational explanation for this behavior. Now, no one knows who, but some henpecked genius gentleman having read this paper in the time he spared from reading the "Nirlep ....." books, came out with a brilliant plan. It is said that he ran naked on the road shouting "Eureka, eureka". Geniuses are of course entitled to such acts as this shows that they are too passionately engrossed in attaining enlightenment to care about such lowly decencies as dressing. He hastily called a large press conference and declared himself 'The Savior'. Before the blinding flashes of cameras and a large bouquet of microphones, he revealed his scheme, a scheme which only a real man could make.

"Friends, and fellow sufferers. You are at this moment witness to a historic event. This moment will be recorded in golden letters in the history of the freedom struggle of men as the ' end of female domination '. Yes, you've heard it right - the end of the evil era. We are from this moment about to wage the biggest war in the history of mankind, not against the tyranny of any ruler, not against any foreign invader, nor against any alien life form but against women. Yes, you heard it right and if you all stop shuddering and have finished wetting your pants, I'll proceed to tell you how."

"Friends, God has bestowed us with biological advantages over women in terms of physical strenght, speed and power. We can fight tigers, plunge from mountains, swim with the sharks, tame the wildest of lions and not even scream when encounter a cockroach. So what is that women have that turns us into cows ( with due respect to cows ) in front of them? Is it that they have any superior strenght? Do they possess any magical powers? Or do they spew fire when they abuse us? No, no, no. They have nothing in them that drags us down on our knees and act like wet kittens. On the contrary, it is because they have nothing in them that makes us act as we do. "

"Ages back, when men were really men ( unlike us ) and women were really women ( like us ), women were looked upon as the vulnerable class. Our forefathers took pride in their masculinity and out of sheer machismo, decided that women are to be protected and cuddled and bedded. Men fought wars to protect even a single woman ( remember Troy? ) and branded it their 'dharma'. They never treated women as equals. Women were objects of desire, of affection, of love and of course lust. Abusing or hitting a woman was the unmanliest of acts and unpardonable, after all they are not even strong enough to defend themselves. They were to be shielded against anything that may spoil their fair skin. From birth till death, they were to be defended. As a daughter - her virginity, as wife - her femininity and as mother - her pride had to be defended. While men were busy killing themselves in the process of defending their better-halves, the womenfolks were busy in their kitty parties and pet shows. It thus became the unwritten law of mankind that there is nothing more shameful and sinful than treating a woman badly. A man who raises his hand on a woman even in his sleep should commit suicide. The only pain a woman may be inflicted upon is by way of sexual intercourse ( Thank God ! ) and when she gives birth to her baby. This prejudicial and partisan law became the deadliest weapon of femininity. Whatever she did, however ghastly crime she committed, nothing was enough to justify a slap on her back. She used her shield of vulnerability to great effect, in fact to such effect that gradually she began brandishing it like a sword, cutting down male ego. Men, in order to prove that they are real men, suffered every pain, every abuse, every slap inflicted upon them without a whimper in protest."

"History however tells us of rare instances when a man unable to control his 'unmanly' instincts, somehow hit his tormenting womenfolk. Such acts never go unnoticed even if they happen in the middle of the Indian ocean because the cries of a suffering woman travel far and loud. The hapless man often dies of swallowing his own tongue or of a heart attack and the ones who mismanage to live, eventually die like an ostracized sick dog, looked down upon by men and abused by women. Women make sure these instances were well chronicled in the history books and these history books are learnt by heart by generation after generation of schoolboys while their female classmates took classes in the secret arts of women empowerment."

"And thus, here we are toady where we are. All that I've said till now is something that we all know, often told by our fathers on their deathbeds when they are damn sure they are going to die anyway. We know why we are like this but do not know how to overcome this. No my friends, I am not going to suggest anything that will go against our manhood, our supreme male ego. If I were to do so, there would cease to be any difference between me and my wife. The essence of a man lies in his blind belief in the concept of his manhood - however absurd or outright foolish it actually it might be. The glorious tradition tradition passed down by our forefathers has to be carried on our able shoulders till death. "

"But friends, after every day comes the night. After light, darkness prevails. and darkness brings with it the advantage of anonymity, of invisibility. Darkness will be the weapon with which we will vanquish our enemies. Shame is defeated when there's no one to be ashamed of. Think my friends think - In a dark alley you attack a woman brutally, all the while abusing her in the choicest of foul words. you bite her and pull her hair apart, and and after doing all that you just run away to your home knowing happily that nobody has seen you. The poor woman won't know who hit her. All the people who rush to her help wouldn't know who they should be ashamed of. Thus, shame is conquered, conquered at last. And then they will fear us, as we fear them. Darkness will be our weapon and as soon as the sun goes down, every man well hidden in the dark will pounce upon the woman nearest to him. God has leveled the playing field for us. Rise O Men. Rise "

After a second or two of stunned silence, the crowd erupted in a wave of claps. Everyone was clapping wildly. Photographers, being men first, forgot to shoot and were banging their cameras on their heads out of joy. Some weak ones choked their heart in happiness. And almost all of them couldn't believe that they were indeed going to be free of their suffering.

The proof of the pudding, they say, is in the eating and so very truly. As the crowd was cheering wildly and reveling in its new-found formula for 'revenge', a policewoman entered the press conference hall. And before you could blink your eyes, a most dramatic transformation occurred to the men. From the wild dancing vikings, they suddenly became the blinking and purring kittens they originally were. As the policewoman swaggered down towards the podium, where the so called 'Savior' was hiding under the table, the crowd fell upon themselves to make way for the lady. She looked at each face as she passed them with a I-dare-you look, chewing her gum casually, her eyebrows held high and the baton hanging from her unshapely hips. Everyone was looking at his own shoes as if shoes were the sexiest objects God has created.

When she reached the middle of the crowd, she looked around for a suitable victim and decided upon a young man at least twice her weight and a good two feet above her. She nonchalantly took him by his collar and using all her might tried to drag him towards her. Sensing that she was not strong enough to pull him, the young man slackened himself up and obediently fell on his knees like a sack of potatoes. The policewoman pleased at this victory-of-sorts renewed her vigor and kicked him heavily.

"So, what are you worms doing here ", she screamed at the crowd. "I will have you all skinned and smoked, you lousy dogs. You good-for-nothings, hiding from your wives here. Look at you all wet pussies standing like gentlemen. Gentlemen, my foot. and what was all that cheering about? Someone managed not to piss in his pants when his wife hit him today ? Is that what you were celebrating, you wriggles. Who was on that goddamn stage ? Come on tell me, you @*^#$@#$%$*." She kicked the young man again and just as he was going to say something, a miracle happened - the lights went off. The whole place was plunged into darkness. Time stood still for a moment or two, pitch darkness mixed with pin-drop silence.

Then she screamed again, " You assholes make way for me. You good-for-nothings were not dim enough that this darkness has made you dimmer. "

"You bitch. Stop your filthy mouth", a booming voice came from across the room. Silence.

"Who's that bastard? I'll cut off your balls. Come here you dog.", the policewoman screamed and kicked into the crowd in direction of the voice. She couldn't make out a single face in the crowd.

" Shut up, you unshapely bitch. He,he,he what are you gonna do to me ? Cut my balls off ? OK, come, come. He,he,he", a young voice came from near her. The policewoman was beginning to feel panic, this was the first time in her life she was being called names by any man. She had never imagined this. The experience was alien to her. In her panic she began calling names and abusing all the men.

"Lets teach her a lesson boys. Today we will show her what she gets for challenging a man. We will set an example for others to follow. Come on men, lets do it".

The whole place went up in a roar of "Attack" and other war cries. The whole crowd of worthy men pounced upon the policewoman. They bit her hands, pulled her hair apart, tweaked her nose, spat on her and pulled her ears. They did all that a man in the peak of his wrath could do. The whole place was in absolute chaos. The policewoman's frantic cries for help mingled with shouts of "hurray" and "yahoo" filled the place. The one-to-many battle continued for what seemed like eternity and ended when the lights came back. Unwarned and unprepared, the whole crowd appeared like a herd of deers under the spotlights of the hunter's jeep. Everyone squinted. The transformation of the crowd was dramatic and effortless - no more hurrays or yahoos, they became the innocent kittens they were the pre-dark period. You could swear not a single man was out of his place - they all stood as they had before the lights had gone. The same look on their face, the same fear in their eyes. The policewoman was lying on the floor in a pool of urine and saliva. Tufts of her hair were flying around her and her uniform was torn in places leaving her practically naked. her face was swollen and red. Apart from this she now possessed a black eye, a dripping nose, two broken teeth, a pair of fingernail scratch that ran all over her arms and a stinking sock in her pocket. She lay there crying for help and didn't realize that the crowd had retreated. It wasn't till a gentleman offered her his jacket and said politely, "Madam, please madam don't cry. You cover yourself up with this jacket and we will take you to your home." that she stopped wailing, looked up in shock and fled the place on all her four limbs.

Later, she swore that it wasn't the beatings she took that was most horrible, it was the look on the faces of the men that was more horrible. They had this look of genuine innocence as if nothing had happened at all. She thought they had been taken over by some demon or evil spirits.

But from that day, these demons and evil spirits took over men regularly and invariably when it was dark. Cases of assaults, molestations, and abusing were reported from all parts of the city and over a few days these reporting poured from all over the country. Groups with fancy names like 'Army of Adam' , 'Warriors of the lost manhood', 'Jack the Ripper's Army' and 'Knights of Mankind' wrote letters in blood claiming responsibility to incidents of kicking, punching and hair tearing that took place in the dark alleys of the city. The whole foundation of womankind began shaking in fear. Men were striking back with vengeance. In over a few months, every single woman had been assaulted at least once. Every precaution they took was useless. Road lights were found smashed, electricity generators rendered useless, the power corporation office vandalized - men did everything they could to keep light away. Newspaper headlines screamed 'Man-in-the-dark spits tobacco juice on the general secretary of World Women Council', 'Iron Lady Anna Hellgber kicked by a bushman yesterday night', 'Village women complain of mysterious molesters lurking in the night' and so on. The alarm bells started ringing when the President of United Women Council, Mrs Margaret Twister's hair was shaved off and her face painted black by a group of men calling themselves 'Makeup men' when she was taking her evening walk. Promptly after this ghastly incident, the World Women Council passed a resolution offering truce. The resolution had a single point plan - women would not assault any man physically or abuse him without sufficient reason that he deserved it and the same would apply to men too. The resolution was ratified by all the invisible men's groups through unsigned letters.

After this, some sort of peace and order was restored. Life became less unbearable for men. Women, although they still feared to go out in the night, could still feel relative peace because the majority of the groups has called ceasefire. Whatever remained were the solitary kickers and spitters who wanted to make sure women didn't fell back to their old habits.

The anonymous warriors of manhood chose to remain anonymous knowing well that as long as they remained so, they would be known as the saviors of manhood, the brave warriors, and what not but if they be discovered, the whole world would spit on them and they would certainly die of shame. Strange are the ways of men and stranger are their concepts of manhood.

To this day, women fear the dark and you will hardly find any woman out on the roads in the night. For in the dark lurks the ancient warriors of manhood, faithfully following what 'The Savior' had asked them to do ages ago - to pounce upon women.